my mind

sometimes, mymind just stops. it doesn’t work. like all my thoughts turn into nothing and then into one thing and then it goes blank. i guess that kind of sounds like enlightenment or whatever but believe me it isn’t because nothing i think about makes sense. i sort of notice feelings passing and hang onto them. observe them as if i was someone else and then carry on. it’s not a logical sequence at all. many unrelated things. it happened again tonight. it started raining so i turned the music off and laid backward on my bed (with my feet near the pillows) and closed my eyes. that’s when my mind went blank. why do i always cry when the sky starts falling. now i’m thinking about secrets and dreams and if they’re the same thing. like how we’ve all had those epiphanies in the past where something confusing becomes so clear. i like the idea that there are so many other epiphanies just waiting for us to find them. for example, what if i realized that, instead of being bothered by the weather i could move somewhere else. but that’s something i don’t actually do til the future and then, looking back to this moment, it seems so clear. but that thing, times a million. because our whole lives are really a series of events that end up helping us understand who we are, what we want. and no matter how fast we want to get there it takes time. i remember when i was 25 and i started writing my first book for the reason that i wanted to finish it in my 20’s and time was running out. in a way, i think it’s always been a race for me. to figure things out at a young age. but, for what? who am i racing and why does it matter? not to be pessimistic, but the answers are no one and it doesn’t matter. pressure’s off. other than a deadline i have on friday. bye