rambling

This isn’t part of my stream of consciousness series I just feel like writing and seeing what happens. It’s always easier and more natural for me to do these things by hand and also different and better but hey. Normally my thoughts are running around so much that I can’t get them down fast enough but tonight I’m high and everything is sort of slow. I think the only main distraction is my attention to detail always being in the way so I look for things like rhythm and pace even as I’m rambling which kind of takes away from the rawness of it (but in real-time, so that’s okay?) What else. I’m in quarantine and that could be it’s own series — maybe I should make it one. Yeah, why not. Daily decisions have become stranger. Like should I… bake zucchini bread or watch the fourth season of a new show I would have never watched under normal circumstances and does either add enough meaning in my life to do or should I just keep sitting here and start reading? I don’t know, I used to buy into the whole productivity message from America but lately I see how it turns into an identity for people and how sad that is. Like oh I’m really good at doing important “work” and that’s who I am as a person? That way of thinking scares me a lot and it’s all over the place sadly. But I won’t go down that rabbit hole tonight because it’s way too deep. I’m thinking about writing a mini-memoir because I’ve had a lot of emotional experiences in my life that no one will necessarily be interested in but why not just put that sadness to use or something. I remember one time someone asked me if I intentionally sought out heavy emotions to make my writing better and I think I was upset at the time but now how funny is that. I’m rambling outside of any box and it’s useless. Maybe I should read. Bye